The 10 most annoying office habits

by Money Doctor Wednesday 28 May, 2008

According to the TUC, nearly five million of us in Britain regularly do unpaid overtime, giving our employers an average of £4,955 of free work a year.

Clearly then we are spending too much time at work, which is sort of annoying...

However, it's not half as annoying as some of the office habits which we have allowed ourselves to either fall into or tolerate. We guarantee that some of these will sound familiar to those of us who endure the daily grind of 9-5.

Here are the 10 leading annoying office habits:

1. Office drummers

Why don't these tap-tap-tappers just go the whole hog and bring in a 16-piece drum kit and get it out of their systems?

Is there a more annoying office habit than the person who has to tap out a rhythm while waiting for their brain to engage into first gear or their phone to ring?

There are unconfirmed made-up rumours that the CIA is now using the "office-drummer technique" in terrorist interrogations after finding it more effective at extracting information than attaching car batteries to body parts.

2. Foghorn phone voice

In the same way that your television volume appears to jump up 9 levels as soon as the adverts appear, there is a special type of office worker who raises their tone several decibels as soon as they pick up the phone. It's as if they believe the incoming call emanates from the Moon...

You can help by explaining their voice is NOT carried through very long cardboard tubes but through conversion to electrical currents down a copper wire which, almost instantaneously, are then amplified at the other end through a speaker. It's called technology.

If they don't understand this, just speak louder.

3. Pod pong

"But this is the latest fragrance from the streets of Paris. All the celebrities are wearing it," they may plead.

Wearing it? Yes. But marinating themselves in it overnight? Probably not.

4. Key smashers

All offices have at least one naïf who believes that to make the little symbols on their keyboard appear on the screen, they need to exert the force of a nuclear bomb through the ends of their fingers.

Either this, or after a freak gardening accident, they now have lump hammers for fingers.

5. Paid for nothing

Finally...a good reason to smoke.

You get paid for standing out in the sunshine chatting to your wheezy and addicted mates while the fresh-lunged members of the workforce are indoors putting their nicotine-free fingers to work.

You could of course ask the smokers to start pulling their weight, except their lungs would probably collapse. You could also give them some mouthwash as a gift, to help mask their breath-of-a-thousand-cigarettes.

6. Snot funny

What is it with people who, riddled with pleurisy, dengue fever or some sort of badger TB still think it's a good idea to come in to work?

Despite what you might believe, the world magically won't stop if that report doesn't get finished and the boss more likely regards you as a mug than a martyr.

Your work mates, (naturally) will shower you with love and thanks for ruining their plans for the weekend and keeping their kids out of school with the germs you give them.

7. Lucifer's lunch

Begone devil food!

Egg and mayonnaise sandwiches, tuna fishcakes, blue cheese with crackers, breakfast burritos with extra onion and chips with salt and vinegar. These are all food items which require urgent Government or United Nations mandates to ban them from the workplace.

Alternatively, you should ask your boss for funds to hire a permanent on-site SWAT team armed with fumigation guns. Or just ask your colleague to bring something that doesn't stink (or in the case of the chips, require you to leave and buy some yourself).

8. Ringtone hell

In the office there is always one complete toaster who does this.

If your office mate intermittently decided to play bits of his favourite music collection from a speaker on his desk, you'd probably ask them to leave their taste for death-metal, emo or American R&B at home.

So why the hell is it ok to have Usher's latest offering, or a 50 Cent classic (is he called that because that's how much most people would pay for one of his awful records?) playing six times a day...or 22 if it's Friday?

9. Space invaders

You distinctly remember hearing the boss bring your new work colleague over to his or her work area and say, "This is your desk".

The boss did NOT follow that up with the words, "but feel free to use your colleague's desk for overspill if there's not enough room for your inane celebrity gossip magazines and pictures of your 17 children".

A good solution is to mark the edge of your desk with police tape saying "Do not cross". That way they might get the message...

10. Eau de underarm

People. Deodorants were invented in the '50s; that's a year, not the age you have to be before you start using them.

There are fewer things more noxious than the damp-shirted male who, after working up a sweat running for the morning bus, is left to "mature" over his keyboard for eight hours.

Please make an effort to smell less like a sewer rat.

So, how many of these do you recognise? Are there any more annoying office habits you know of ?

Why not share them in the comments?

Categories for this post: Funny Bones

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Comments

Louisa says:

Thursday 29 May, 2008 / 17:05

Karma has seen to it that in my last 2 jobs I have been sat opposite someone with severe nervous tics - the one thing I really cannot stand!
I also seem to get lump hammer fingers behind me as well. I am now self employed as it is the only way to avoid irritants.

Bob says:

Thursday 29 May, 2008 / 19:05

Like mentioned with smokers their lungs may collapse lol, but more to the point, why shouldn't non-smokers be allowed endless "fresh air" breaks so we can disappear constantly for 15-30 minutes whenever we feel like it!?!

Helen says:

Friday 30 May, 2008 / 08:05

Noisy eaters must be added, especially those who seem to think that i want to see everything in their mouth while they are eating it!

Malissa says:

Friday 30 May, 2008 / 08:05

You are clearly forgetting two of the most annoying office workers in history:

1) The Office Loudmouth
2) The Office First Time Mother

1) ahhh the Office Loudmouth. The one that feels the need to share every last intimate detail of their weekend or indeed life every minute of every day and think the rest of us care or even want to hear it. We don't!. They are noticable as the ones who know everything about everybody and who said what, where and when.

2)and the First Time Mother - get caught in the baby talk loop and you may never get out! You will be stuck listening to every burp, poop, half word and antic that their baby has done since birth. OK I'm happy you've had a baby but after months of ear bashing I really don't need to know how many rusks your baby had for breakfast and what their favorite coulour is. Oh and you also feel obliged to go and coo over the ones that bring the baby into the office - nah I'd rather just get on with eating my sandwich thanks, I never really liked you anyway.

Siouxsie says:

Friday 30 May, 2008 / 09:05

I'm surprised that serial sniffers aren't on this list, along with compulsive throat-clearers! I'm plagued by colleagues who think it's accepted to sniff, snort and grunt their way through the day and it makes me feel sick!

Gaz says:

Friday 30 May, 2008 / 10:05

People who spend all day on Facebook (and other useless websites like this), instead of getting their head down and getting on with work given to them.

smurfxxx says:

Friday 30 May, 2008 / 10:05

I blame the accountant that thought open plan offices were a good idea. Give everyone their own office back, I say!

wendy says:

Friday 30 May, 2008 / 11:05

What about those that leave the printer empty of paper or worse still jammed because they are to lazy to learn how to put it right themselves, they just leave it for the next person to find.

Ben says:

Friday 30 May, 2008 / 18:05

How about those with a breath like a public toilet after a massive Saturday night with no water to flush with?

Jo Smith says:

Tuesday 03 June, 2008 / 09:06

I had a colleague who used to clip his finger and toe nails at his desk. Colleagues nearby had to dodge the flying clips! Was revolting.

Dennis matthews says:

Tuesday 03 June, 2008 / 13:06

How about people who ask you to explain something and half way through the conversation say " I know that".
And those who constantly mumble under their breath,and also know all there is to know about every topic under the sun.
I am blessed to work with someone who has all three characteristics.

Sam says:

Wednesday 04 June, 2008 / 17:06

Try the relative of a friend of the MD, who thinks she is there to email and text all day. The whole office complains about the lack of work, (including the MD) the rest of us have to pick up her slack and then she gets a raise and a bonus!!
I didn't get the bonus or payrise coz production was down. I gave up and looked for another job.

peter says:

Thursday 05 June, 2008 / 19:06

Receiving threatening phone calls from your boss re poor sales performance when the company whore who does the same role as you,is even worse.but surprise,surprise nothing gets mentioned.apologies for my bitterness.Ive also resigned.

Cate says:

Tuesday 10 June, 2008 / 10:06

In the place I used to work at, the most annoying people had several bad traits. The first one being the constant disapearing for a smoke break. They then came back in the room when it was minus degrees outside and opened the window wide declearing there was no air in there (what was keeping me alive if there was no air) and seemed oblivious to the fact that I sat with several layers and a scarf on shivering. They also used to have animated conversations about vibrators, like everyone needs to know what they did in their spare time in this area.

As I was a totally different person to this(not smoking and not willing to join in conversations about the merits of a vibrator), I was totally the odd one out as the office was only small and sat just 4 people.

Challian says:

Tuesday 10 June, 2008 / 11:06

You missed office creeps....

They spend their day wondering from one office to the next having conversations about anything and generally can comment on any topic. There are times you just want them to leave and I've a couple of suggestions without just ignoring them....

1. Let them have the final word. After the third example they leave
2. Look at your computer screen and say "sorry, can you say that again I was distracted with work.... after the forth time they've repeated themselves they leave.
3. And for the really stubborn ones.... you leave yourself and say, wont be long.. so they are on there own, so they go and look for the next office resident (thats my fag break time!).

ewan says:

Wednesday 18 June, 2008 / 01:47

Think yourselves lucky, Ive got to work for a living, offices are clean, quiet, dry and warm and you get to sit on your arse all day, all you gotta do is push buttons and talk. I'm a plumber, now thats really something to moan about.

patience says:

Tuesday 24 June, 2008 / 20:25

Dear Plummer, you obviously have no idea how awful days can be for anyone working from an office. Targets, deadlines, and pressures from all directions; staff who think they can refuse to work as instructed but get paid for every minute of their time-wasting; colleagues who frequently go off sick (don't mean the genuine ones) and expect to come back to a clear desk + helpful, considerate colleagues who are willing to accommodate a slow partial return to work until they feel better! And when you cannot do everything in your job & theirs, YOU get into trouble with Management! Hhaa!

Bee says:

Tuesday 24 June, 2008 / 22:26

I love Challian's advice re office creeps and next time I have an encounter I look forward to trying out the one where you stare at your screen and then apologise for being distracted by your WORK... over and over until they get the message.

Patience, I totally know where you are coming from and you have my every sympathy!

But Mr Plummer I was so thinking the same thing... at the end of the day it ain't so bad really is it? Working in an office I mean? Surely not all of our colleagues can be that irritating? It is warm, dry and safe, you do get coffee breaks (usually) and best of all you get paid and get to go home at the end of the day! On the other hand possibly I need to raise my expectations!Smile

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